Spiritual Leadership Roles in the Home

(This article does not address single parent households or separated parent households. In both of those cases, it is the parent’s responsibility to lead their family to Christ in the absence of the other mate). 

What is a spiritual leader? The spiritual leader is the one who takes the responsibility to see that a couple/family does life “God’s way” so that God can fully bless the family and more importantly, to glorify and serve God (Joshua 24:15). The best way to view the spiritual leader is to look at how Jesus led. Jesus was a “servant-leader” (Mark 10:45). He is the example we are to follow in our homes. The Bible calls the husband to be that servant-leader and the wife to be his “help meet” or “one who helps” (Genesis 2:18). 

Why doesn’t the husband lead?

There is no single answer to this; instead there are several that stand out. 

The first is when the husband believes his wife is more “spiritual” than he is. He is intimidated by her knowledge of the Bible, her prayer life, perhaps even her closeness with God. This is particularly prevalent when the husband is “fear-based” or an introvert. The feeling of inadequacy can be quite intimidating. However, it is no excuse for not accepting the spiritual-leader role that God has given him. A spiritual leader does not mean being more spiritual or closer to God, it means being someone who points others to Jesus and seeking His way of humility and sacrifice instead of his own way of pride and selfishness. Just because a wife is more spiritual, it doesn’t mean that she should lead. 

Another reason is when the wife, who may often be an “anger-based” extrovert, assumes all leadership roles in the home due to her belief that the husband can’t do things to her standard. This is also not honoring to God, because this is where the wife’s way becomes the rule and even though it can be well-intentioned, it is not God’s way and it allows the husband to avoid what God calls him to do in the home.  

A similar reason is when the wife is afraid that because of her husband’s timidity, he would not step up to his role. This does both of them a great disservice. The husband may also be passive about leadership, both temporal and spiritual. He would rather sit back and be the follower-letting his wife take all of the responsibility- and then complain that she bosses him around. This is a major problem in marriages today. It is infuriating to wives and conflicting for the husband, since he has actually been programmed to accept the leadership role. No matter how capable the wife is at leading, it is not her role. She will never be fulfilled as the wife while she is leading and he will never be fulfilled as the husband while he is following.

The husband is called to lead by example and follow Christ (1 Cor. 11:1). It is as simple as that. The wife’s role is to follow the husband and choose to humbly submit as he follows Christ (Eph. 5:22). Just as the husband is not to pursue his ways, neither is the wife to pursue her ways. They both need to pursue God’s way. It does not mean she is less than the husband or that the husband is better than her. They are equal in value in God’s eyes (Gal. 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7), but the Lord does place a higher responsibility on the husband and his leadership role in the home (Eph. 5:23). It is a distinct God-designed role in that the wife was not designed to be the spiritual leader and the husband was not designed to follow the wife. When this happens, the family dynamic is off-balance. So often this dynamic of a husband leading spiritually is not followed. Christians regularly take the path of least resistance and live their lives in similar fashion to the rest of the world.

So what should the wife and the husband do? 

The wife needs to understand that her husband can never fill a role that is already filled. If she is trying to lead, she must step aside from her leadership role, even to the point where things might be left undone. It may seem scary, but it is necessary. Her passive husband will not move into the role until there is room for him. This can break down if the wife is unable to let things go. It won’t happen by her telling the husband he needs to “step up” and take charge. He may feel even more intimidated when he is chastised. No, it will be the vacuum that is created that can invite him into the role. 

The first thing the husband needs to do is understand who he is “in Christ.” What does God think about him and say about him?. He needs to understand who he really is. A very good book on this topic is “Freedom in Christ” by Neil Anderson. For now, let us just say that we are accepted, loved, justified, and sanctified by God’s gift of Jesus to us. There is nothing we do to earn this; we are just to receive it and live out of the truth. As a husband, he does not need to be more spiritual than his wife, he just needs to take the steps to lead his family to God. 

He can do this by initiating various ways for the couple/family to have “time with God.” One very easy first step is to take your family to church. Make sure everyone knows they are to be ready to go and be the driving force that gets them to church weekly. Another option is he may simply call the family together for a Bible Study or prayer time. He doesn’t even have to lead in the prayer time or study. It may be enough to just initiate. As time goes on he may want to move into a deeper role. It all begins with a small step. 

While this is happening, the wife will need to support his efforts. This may be difficult.The more he feels successful, the further he may want to go. Her job will be to allow him to lead and be willing to follow as he leads the family closer to God. If his leadership is not about leading the family closer to God but following his own selfish ambitions, then the wife may need to discuss with him what that leadership should look like.  

What is not spiritual leadership? We have had many husbands come to us and complain that the wife is not respecting his position as “head of the household.” Whenever we hear this phrase, we know things are out of balance. Being “head of the household” is not synonymous with being a “servant-leader.” Was Jesus the “head of the household”? The very phrase conjures up a vision of a demanding husband who wants things his own way and thinks he knows best, rather than one who puts others first. Being a humble servant leader like Jesus modeled is the goal! It may be time for you to try out the new roles.