Passive-Aggressiveness Solutions for Marriage

What is Passive Aggression? 

In this brief article we will be talking about the passive-aggressive spouse. Guarded, and often mistrustful, they are reluctant to show emotional vulnerability. They are often out of touch with their feelings, reflexively denying feelings they think will “trap” or reveal them. 

Just tell a passive-aggressive spouse what you want, no matter how small, and they will probably promise to do it for you, but it’s likely they won’t say when, and they may do it in a deliberately slow way just to frustrate you. Maybe they won’t comply at all. A passive-aggressive person does not want to see you get your way. 

The passive-aggressive person protests that their spouse accuses them unfairly. Rather than owning up to their own misdeeds, they portray themselves as the innocent victim of their spouse’s excessive demands. The passive-aggressive spouse reaches as far as they can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. To exert power over you, they may choose to lie rather than give you a straight answer. 

Chronic lateness, procrastination and forgetfulness are common trademarks. They often set the ground rules for the relationship by keeping you waiting and being late. They may use selective forgetting when they want to avoid an obligation. 

The passive-aggressive spouse is a master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When they tell you something, you may walk away wondering if they actually said yes or no. The passive-aggressive spouse retreats from pressure and can sulk, pout, and/or withdraw from you, and give you the silent treatment if you wound them. 

They usually avoid confrontation at all costs. When confronted about their poor behavior, they frequently make excuses and/or clam up and withdraw. The passive-aggressive spouse does not mean what they say, or say what they mean. They will not let you into their “real “self or seek to be vulnerable. They usually feel a sense of control by doing this. 

How to respond to your spouse’s Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Once you are able to recognize your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior as it is occurring, your first step is to acknowledge your own natural feelings of anger. Rather than responding angrily to them, you must keep your calm. An angry reaction may be what the passive-aggressive spouse is trying to cause (even if unconsciously). To counter passive-aggressive behavior, it is important to make it safe by responding in a neutral, kind way. 

In responding to your passive-aggressive spouse, it is critical that you take responsibility for your angry outbursts. These outbursts drive your passive-aggressive spouse deeper into their shell, confirming it is not safe for them to share with you. Don’t push or pry. Prying results in the opposite result of what you are wanting. They may withdraw even further and make it more difficult to reach them.

Look back to the very early days of your relationship. Was your spouse passive-aggressive then? Did you (or do you now) recognize the paralleling of your anger and their passive-aggressive behavior? It took both of you to get into the situation you are in now, so it will take both of you to get out. 

If/when your passive-aggressive spouse does express any opinions, ideas, thoughts, or feelings, be extremely encouraging even if you think they are totally off base. You need to model openness and transparency by sharing your real thoughts and feelings as long as they are not critical of your spouse. When a spouse shares their thoughts and feelings in an aggressive or intense way, this drives their passive-aggressive spouse inward. Your volatile delivery scares them, even if they are six and a half feet tall! They do not feel safe. Every time you express anger toward your passive-aggressive spouse, they store up one more brick of resentment toward you. You will definitely pay for directing anger at them. 

If you are a Passive-Aggressive spouse, what can you do to make yourself healthier?

1. The first thing you need to do is learn your true identity, worth and value as defined by Jesus. A passive-aggressive spouse looks for validation in the wrong places. You are looking for it in other people, especially your spouse. Your suffering self-esteem and feelings of being a phony make for a painful life of isolation. 
2. The next step is to practice taking small risks. Whether it is expressing an opinion or a preference, you need to step out of your comfort zone. You may not want to do this, but business as usual is not productive for the passive-aggressive spouse, so any change will be for the better. This may produce fear, but to “feel the fear and do it anyway” should become the new motto for the passive-aggressive spouse. Doing it, though feeling afraid, is what will get you out of your self-imposed prison of isolation. 
3. Remind yourself that you will not be able to experience true intimacy as long as your goal is to self-protect, avoid honest and open communication, and to not be vulnerable. You need to “announce” to your spouse that you are going to share something you would normally keep to yourself. If you “cue” your spouse as to what you are about to do – you will increase your chance of getting a better response from them. When you as a passive-aggressive spouse make this kind of announcement, your partner really needs to respond in a way that makes you feel glad you shared. This may take some practice for both of you!

Intimacy is born 

As the passive-aggressive spouse and their partner each do their part in putting an end to passive-aggressive behavior, true intimacy can be born. The emotional connection that the husband and wife long for will be met. The feelings of confidence and safety will be fulfilled for the passive-aggressive spouse! The more you can be more vulnerable and honest without responding with passive-aggressiveness, the better your relationship will become.

If you are stuck in unhealthy patterns that prevent you from fixing this on your own, please reach out to Marriage Rescue. We would love to help teach you how to break these destructive cycles!

For Further reading:

8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness by Andrea Brandt

Overcoming Passive-Aggression by Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin